How to Teach Children Right From Wrong
A typical issue that parents face is dealing with their children's behaviors. Let's say you are a parent of a five year old child that has just started school. She was a polite, considerate, and helpful young lady at home and in front of her teachers. However, her behavior has become inappropriate at home as it includes talking back, swearing, and discussing sex in general terms. She learned these behaviors from other children at her school.
How do I help her to make the right choices about good vs. naughty (one of her friends got her to play hookie ....at 5 years old?!); of what is acceptable and not, when she is away from me and faced with those choices without me being there to guide ?"
That is a good question. Let's talk about the fundamentals behind this issue.
Kids, like you and me, are doing their best to succeed in life. So their behaviors are their attempts to get good results for themselves, as they themselves would define them. Those "good results" might be to satisfy basic urges such as hunger and warmth, they might be to get approval and love - from their parents, or from their friends, or they might be simply to have fun and excitement.
They will demonstrate the behavior they believe will get them the need they have at that time.
Of course, not all behaviors are successful - and that is the whole learning process. Constantly through life we are experimenting with behaviors to find the ones that work best for us. In choosing what behaviors to experiment with, we take input from past experiences, from what we have been told, and from what we have seen others do (in real life and on TV) and we combine this with the skills, abilities, and personality that we have. From all of this we get a range of possible behaviors, and out of those we pick what we hope will serve us best.
After experimenting we will find the behaviors that meet our needs. We will use these behaviors to get what we want. The more we achieve a good result with a behavior, the more we demonstrate that behavior.
Returning to your 5 year old daughter. This behavior is a sign that she is in the process of experimenting. She is in a new situation at school and this has expanded her world. She is not sure how to react and is excited and nervous at the same time. She is testing different behaviors to determine which behaviors will end in an intended result.
Your daughter will probably try a host of behaviors. Many of which will not occur ever again as they didn't work. Some behaviors will become a part of her usual behavior. Which behaviors will your daughter keep? It is contingent upon the results of each experience. She is at an age where having your approval and love is very critical to her. She needs to see your reaction to her behaviors. Outside reactions from others also play a role. For example, punishments and rewards can be a big influence on her behavior. She will seek the approval of you, her teachers, and her friends.
How much influence do you, as a parent, have over this? At this age, quite a bit. When they are teenagers, a whole lot less. Your influence is through two means.
1. How you respond emotionally to her behaviors. Do you approve or disapprove of her behaviors?
2. Your manipulation of her environment. You have the power to choose her school, neighbors, and people she will be in contact with. You are the one who can give her punishments and rewards.
Weaving what he discussed together and looking at this strategically, you need to answer the following questions:
Does this look like it is just an experimental phase that will almost certainly pass? If so, then don't get too stressed about it all - enjoy the phase of watching your kids growing up and exploring the world. (Hey, I remember sneaking out from home at about 7 to go and play in the school playground, in the dark, at about 9pm. I even put pillows in my bed to deceive my parents. And I turned out okay ... I think...)
Another item to consider is the intensity of reaction you demonstrate to bad behavior. Take swearing for example. If you become exasperated every time she swears, she may view swearing as an adventure because she wants to see you get red with anger.
If you think that her bad behavior is escalating too much then you need to do something to thwart it.
How do you know which it is? That calls for judgment. Look at your own parenting first - are you dong the very best you can? Are you providing good role models? Yours will be the greatest influence in her life.
Then look at the school and neighborhood. Do the kids, by and large, turn out okay? Or is everyone on drugs by the time they are 13?
Spend time talking with parents and teachers at your school. Each school has a culture and perhaps your daughter is trying to fit into this culture. How concerned are the teachers? Does the behavior of most kids at the school improve as they get older?
You cannot control every factor in their lives. You cannot guarantee that they will learn right from wrong. But you can increase the chances. And, as ever, you do that by being as good, and strategic, a parent as you can.
Article Source: http://www.search-raven.com
About the Author
Dr. Noel Swanson has years of experience in helping parents with child behavior problems. To read more of his expert parenting advice go to his website and check out his GOOD CHILD Guide manual, jammed full of extremely helpful parenting advice.
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by: Dr.NoelSwanson
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